Midnight Ramble...

I read today that NBC Universal will be paying $925 million for Oxygen Media. For some bizarre reason this struck me as hilarious, and I spent the next five to seven minutes laughing so hard I was panting for breath when I was done...

The thought of Oprah Winfrey getting 'even' richer struck me at the moment, as the funniest thing I'd heard in a really long time. Yes she's only part owner, but you know she's still making bank with this acquisition.

What must that be like? Really... To be that wealthy. Not only that, but to be as respected and powerful as she is. As I sit here writing this, I can't even fathom what that must feel like. To log into any one of your online accounts to view balances with numbers that would be followed with (at the very, VERY least) five zeroes.

When you think about going clothes shopping, it never crosses your mind to "just head to the mall"... lol... (Can you imagine that? Oprah at the mall?.lol.. Yeah, I'm cracking up too). Grocery shopping or laundry are 'mundanes' that you just never do. Ever. I mean, I fail to see what possible scenario could play out in the life of Oprah that'd have her heading to the supermarket or downstairs to the basement to "throw a load in"...

Can you possibly imagine being so wealthy that the issues you deal with in regards to going on a luxury vacation usually have to do with what part of the world you'd like to take it in?

I'm sitting in my tiny two bedroom apartment writing this. I look around and I take in the television in the corner, the movies neatly shelved on the rack against the wall... My desk that I got at Target last summer on sale for $14.99... My tiny loveseat that I hate, but can't throw out till I get a replacement... The paintings on the wall... My camera on the ledge...I hear the rain outside through my open living room window...The TV's muted so it's quiet..I take a deep breath, shut my eyes, and dare to imagine...

*sigh*... If only for one day, I would LOVE to know that feeling. I would love to be so rich that when you ever have issues that concern or worry you, regardless of time, location or situation, it is NEVER about money.

People say money doesn't buy happiness... I agree. I get it. But you know what? I'm sitting right now at 2:32am and when I list all the issues that have kept me up this late, every single one of them has to with some kind of money situation. All of them. The thoughts go through my head constantly... you know? Like those News scrolls that run at the bottom of the screen on the News Stations....

"I have to remember to make the car payment.......Shit, I forgot to call the gas company about the budget plan......*sigh*... That's another $110 for 'The boys & Girls Club' payment........I have to put gas in the car tomorrow... I hope $20 lasts me a while this time.....I should write that note to myself about picking up some milk tomorrow.....Ok.. I got the student loans done for this month.... If we're going to have family night on Friday and order a pizza, we can't eat out tomorrow...Wait, did I put the $3.00 I spent at DD down on the budget sheet?..."

And it goes on and on and on and on. I'm aware that the more money a person has, the more problems they get. Yes, we're all aware. Biggie made that crystal. Experience, Books, Tales of Woe. Yeah, I get it. My practical, sensible side gets it. Try as I might to block it out though, I still hear that tiny voice of discontent as it whispers in my ear. "Still though....." I count my very many blessings; I'm healthy, my son's healthy, my family's healthy. "Still though...." I I remind myself that a lot of people would be thankful to have some things I do. "Still though...." I do a mental check of all the recent good things that I have to be grateful for, and in a desperate attempt to jolt the common sense back into me, I list them in chronological order. From the earliest to the most recent. "Still though....". Screw.

You know what? I'd really like that feeling for just one day. To have a day when money literally is no object. It'd be nice. Complete unequivocal freedom.

.... lol.. What's that saying? "If wishes were horses, beggers would ride"... Yes? lol.. Still though...

I'm going to bed.

PS: On a completely random note, I have to say that each time I hear this song "I feel like I'm dying" by Lil Wayne (It's playing on this page), I wonder just how messed up - or 'what' he was messed up on when he wrote it. No? There is NO way those words were strung together in that order by a lucid mind. Absolutely no way. lol... That's the end result of a WHOOOLE different kind of freedom... lol.

:-)

I'm sick

I don't know where or how I caught it, but I've caught a bug that has rendered me completely useless... My head aches, my eyes ache, my throat aches... Everything aches.

I need a hug.... and some soup.

My Favorite New "Crazy"....

Wow... I wasn't sure if I should laugh or cry along when I first saw this video, but it's safe to say that this dude has made his way into my heart as my favorite 'crazy' of all time... WOW. It made such an impact on me that I had to share with you guys... Enjoy!

Freaking HBO...

In an extremely odd and cruel twist of fate, HBO decided to air 'The Champ' tonight. I haven't seen this movie in over fifteen years. . I remember watching this movie with my sister and a couple of our close family friends way back in the day. Not ONE dry eye was left in the room by the final scene... I challenge ANYONE to watch this movie and remain dry eyed... It's impossible. I'm not just saying this because of my last post either.

For anyone who thinks I might be making this up, PLEASE check HBO listings. I'm on the East Coast, and 'The Champ' aired on HBOF (HBO Family) from 11:5o PM - 1:55 AM.

The Champ tells the story of Billy Flynn (A 'so-young-he's-barely-recognizable' Jon Voight), an ex boxing champion who struggles to make a boxing come-back while fighting to keep custody of his son TJ (A remarkably cute and adorable 6 or 7 year old Ricky Schroeder).

In truth, I haven't thought about this movie in years, and I'm honestly stunned that HBO dug it out of their archives to air it. That little boy did an AMAZING job in that movie... I look at Ricky Schroeder today and marvel at the skills he possessed at that young an age. WHO can watch that movie and stay dry eyed? .. wow.

The Champ is single handedly THE most emotionally stirring movie I have ever seen in my entire life.. And that's saying A LOT. It has the exact same effect on me today as it did all those years ago, maybe even more now as a mom. If the director of that movie was looking to create a tear jerking masterpiece, OH MY GOD did he ever succeed!! I think it's safe to say he directed the greatest tear jerker of all time.

That last scene is just cruel.. I can't think of any other word for it... It literally wrenches my heart apart. It just does. If anybody sees this movie and manages not to cry during that last scene, I have a $20 bill with your name on it... It's not a lot of money, but if I didn't need it, I'd wager my next paycheck on it as well... That's how confident I am that you'll be wiping your eyes as the credits roll... For the heck of it, I went online to see what other random viewers said about the movie, and to further prove my point, I've cut and paste some of the viewer reviews... These are regular people (not critics) who just go online and leave comments about movies... some of the grammar isn't perfect, but I think you'll get the point.


THE BEST OF THE BEST
by meokmba (movies profile) Mar 25, 2006
I THINK THIS IS THE BEST FILM I EVER SEEN, THE ACTORS WERE OUTSTANDING, THIS FILM MARKED MY LIFE FOREVER & THE FINAL WITH THE KID CRYING BROKE MY HEART, WONDERFUL FILM.

A Knockout of an Ending
by gatorspirit14 (movies profile) Apr 21, 2006
A heart-warming story about a boy who worships his father, and a father who loves his son so much that he will do anything for him, even if it means losing him. I don't want to ruin the ending for anyone, but this movie has one of the saddest scenes I have ever seen in film.


GREAT Movie!!
by nedra_wright (movies profile) Jan 31, 2005
My family and I saw this movie for the first time on 1/30/05 and found it to be one of the greatest movies ever. It's a real tear jerker. Two thumbs up!!

Nedra

The Champ
by leeanne1007 (movies profile) Feb 15, 2005
The champ was a excellent film for all the family cried my eyes out watching it a must see film i seen this film for the first time on 20/12/04 one of the best i've seen in years.

THE CHAMP OF ALL MOVIES
by j_2308 (movies profile) Jan 3, 2007

A beautiful movie! It's a great movie that makes me cry all the time. Just shows how much TJ loved his dad-his forever champ. You just have to see it. You'll never see a movie like it.


I rest my case.

I shouldn't have watched this movie tonight. I'm going to wake up with a splitting headache in the morning... *sigh*

I'm Sick of Being a Cry Baby

How is it that movies make me bawl? How is it that even movies I've seen a million and one times are able to reduce me to a sobbing, sniffling mess? It'd be nice to watch 'Father of the Bride' once, and not fall apart every time he looks at his daughter and remembers how they used to play basketball together... It'd be nice to watch 'High School Musical' with Jacob, and not dissolve into tears when Troy and Gabriella make up... It'd be super nice to watch 'Bridge to Terabithia', and not scare my son and neighbors with my loud, heart wrenching wails when Jesse finds out that Leslie died...

You know what? If it was just movies, I'd be okay... I'd be fine. But it doesn't stop there, does it? I even manage somehow to cry when I listen to certain songs... Celine Dion's 'First time I Ever Saw Your Face' causes me to tear up and sniffle every single time I hear it... Listening to 'Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire' audio book at work the other day, I had to pretend a bug flew in my eyes because I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down when Mrs. Weasly hugged Harry after the whole ordeal... Being that the windows in the building don't even open, I don't think my co-workers believed the bug story... Listening to Sade, listening to Charlotte Church... Yup... Lots more too..

Books? Oh yes.. You bet. The Kite Runner reduced me to a weeping, slobbering idiot.. As did 'Good in Bed', 'A Thousand Splendid Suns', and pretty much every book with depth... Commercials.. Ah... Let's not forget those... Wouldn't want to count them out... The jewelry commercials where the guy puts the glittering diamond necklace on his wife while she's asleep? Yep.. I tear up each time. The Sylvan Education Institute commercial where the mom finds out her son's grades improved drastically? That scene she sees his grades for the first time and tears up? Ah.. Well, I'm bawling too.. It's quite bad really...

So what's wrong with me? I mean, I KNOW they're acting. I KNOW Steve Martin isn't really that little girl's daddy, and he didn't really teach her to play basketball... I know its all make believe.. I know none of it is real... I know all involved are getting paid copious amounts of money to act out the emotions they convey oh so well, so WHY am I unable to control myself???!!! How (and when) did I become this human faucet?! .. I try so hard sometimes too... I do. I sit there and tell myself over and over that I won't cry. I grit my teeth, cross my arms, and try to summon every ounce of indifference that I can... Nah.. never works... I feel the tears prickling at the back of my eyes... I feel my lips start to quiver... My nose starts to run... The battle's lost before it even begun. *sigh*... I'm sick of being a cry baby.

New Pics

New pics... Not a lot, but finally an update... :-)

You didn't ask but I'll tell you anyway. I've been

Reading. That's all I've been doing lately. I forcefully took my life back from the insatiable beast that is the World Wide Web, and threw myself back into literature. Thus far, it's been great. I haven't felt like this in years, and I'm loving every second of it. It's amazing how quickly the Internet becomes a large part of a person's life, you know? It starts with one site that you read every other day... then another site that you read and comment on every now and then. Before you know it, your have about 20 sites bookmarked that you're visiting every single day, and about 10 sites that you're visiting or updating every other hour.

The friend networks, the blogs, the information sites... I had tons. Anyway, a month or two ago, I got sick of it and stopped. Just like that. It wasn't planned or anything. I was replying an email one night when I glanced at the time and realized that I had been online for four straight hours. When I tried to think of what I'd done for those four hours, I couldn't come up with anything tangible. Basically, I'd gone from page to page, reading and commenting.

I'm not sure what I felt when I realized this. I've tried to think of how to label or even define the emotions that swept through me... I can't. All I know is that I had this intense, almost overwhelming desire to get away from my laptop. I saved a draft of the email I was writing, walked to my bookshelf, and grabbed the first book my hand touched. It happened to be 'Sands of Time' by Sidney Sheldon. Even though I've read that book over a million times, that night I lay in bed and read the first eight chapters through without pausing once.

After that night, I just sort of lost interest in the Internet... I really did. Don't get me wrong, I'd come online everyday, but it was for the basic stuff... Check mail, do budget, pay bills, things like that. Since that night, I've rediscovered my love of/for the written word... I've always been a reader; I mean, that's a given. Somewhere along the line though, reading had somehow become something I did almost as an afterthought. Something I did more from habit than a genuine desire. Lately though, I've been reading like crazy, and I love it. I've started going book hunting again... On weekends, I head to flea markets and thrift shops to scour through their extensive, very diverse collection of books.

Along with this newly reignited passion of mine has come other positives... I find that I'm less stressed. I'm less cranky. I think best of all, is a new found appreciation of myself. I'm more content with my life now than I've been in a long time. I didn't realize exactly how much I'd been stressing about being single, till I stopped.... lol. Does that sound weird? I didn't realize how much I'd been looking till I stopped... I'm not even sure what I was looking for, but thinking back now, I find that the hunger and zeal I had for the Internet seemed to be fueled by a restlessness in me that I never realized I had... A feeling of discontent... It was almost like I was trying to fill some void...

I don't sit chatting on messenger for hours anymore. I don't sit replying mails and messages sent via facebook, myspace, or hi5 anymore. Nah... I find that I have more time for things I'd always thought myself too busy for. Even when I'm not reading, I'll sit on the couch with Jacob and just hang out. Half the time, he's not paying attention to me 'cause he's playing some game or concentrating on righting all the colors on the Rubiks cube I got him as a joke (Watching him try to solve that has got to be one of the most entertaining things under the sun... ), but it's still cool to be lying there instead of being stuck behind a screen.

Well... I guess that's it? I didn't plan to write this tonight. It was sort of a last minute/split second decision, so if it's a little scattered, I ask that you be a little tolerant... I guess till another time then, huh?

A Post... Also About Getting To Know You Guys Better.

Wow... It's been a hot minute. I have gist too.. Hmm... Probably today or tomorrow... :-) Meanwhile, I'll put up two surveys I took via 'myspace'... I thought they were cute. If they're reading, I tag Diary of a G, Andy, TaureanMinx, Idemili, Olawunmi, Dilch, Onada, Pink Satin and Tori... Then again, if you guys want to, please do... :-)

ONE WORD ANSWERS: PLEASE STICK TO ONE WORD OR HYPHENATED ONES... IT'S THE WHOLE IDEA. :-)

1. Yourself: Friendly

2. Your partner: Non-existent

3. Your hair: Disheveled

4. Your mother: Rock

5. Your father: Pebble

6. Your favorite item: Laptop

7. Your dream last night: :-)

8. Your favorite drink: Sprite

9. Your dream car: Range-Rover

10. The room you are in: Comfortable

11. Your ex: Concluded

12. Your fear: Drowning

13. What you want to be in 10 years: Settled

14. Who you hung out with last night: Jacob

15. What you're not: Unintelligent

16. Muffins: Dry

17: One of your wish list items: Man. :-)

18: Time: Swift

19. The last thing you did: Showered

20. What you are wearing: shorts

21. Your favorite weather: Windy

22. Your favorite book: Worn

23. The last thing you ate: Salmon

24. Your life: Advancing

25. Your mood: Subdued

26. Your best friend: Sleeping

27. What you're thinking about right now: Bed

28. Your car: Functional

29. What you are doing at the moment: Squinting

30. Your summer: Nice

31. Your relationship status: Single

32. What is on your TV: Off

33. What is the weather like: Wet

34. When was the last time you laughed: Earlier



LITTLE KNOWN FACTS:

I got this from my sister via email this morning at work... It's pretty cool..

Directions! Now, Here Is What You Are Supposed To Do...And Please Do Not Spoil The Fun! Hit Forward, Delete My Answers And Type In Your Answers. Tag A Whole Bunch Of People That You Know.. The Theory Is That You Will Learn A Lot Of Little Known Facts About Those You Know. Remember To Check theirs out.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I thought I was named after my grandmother on my father's side, but thanks to this questionnaire thingy, I've come to find out my sister actually was... So I guess "No I wasn't"..

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Full blown bawl - Saturday (I re-watched 'Bridge to Terabithia').

Tear filled eyes with minimal sniffling - This morning on my way to work... I was listening to 'The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face' by Celine Dion... What?! It's a great song!!!

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING
Um... I'm indifferent

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT
Turkey

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
One

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yep

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT?
Noooo... Neverrrrr.. I'm MUCH too sweet.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS
Nope

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Hmm... I’m not sure. I'd like to though

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Frosted Mini Wheats

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Freakishly so, I think.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Chocolate Chip

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Hair and height

15. RED OR PINK?
Red

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My mind... It never stops.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST
My cousin Buki

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
Sure

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Blue jeans, black flip flops

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Trail Mix Bar

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW ?
An audio book: Artemis Fowl by Eon Colfer

22. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Gray

23. FAVORITE SMELLS ?
Clean laundry

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Dell

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU ?
She's my sister.. of course

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Not really into that

27. HAIR COLOR?
Black

28. EYE COLOR?
Black

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Yep

30. FAVORITE FOOD ?
I'm not sure. Depends on how hungry I am

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy Endings

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers... For like the millionth time.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Black

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Depends on who from

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Chocolate Cake

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Idemili or Diary of a G... hopefully. Oh wait!... Pink Satin too... :-)

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND
Dilch... Since that new job, she's been WAAAY busy!! (Don't think I haven't noticed!)

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Which Witch? By Eva Ibotson

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
'Fellowes Microban'... I have NO clue what that means.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?
To Catch a Predator (PERVERTS!!!!! - One of whom was a school bus driver...*shudder*) and 'Thank you for Smoking' - again

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
Jacob singing to himself in the shower

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles?

44. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME
Here... Home is in a different continent.. *scowl*

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT
Wouldn't you like to know? *leer*... Wait...What am I doing?... My sister sent me this... EWWWWWW!!!

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Nashville TN

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO CHECKING OUT?
Yours

Thunder

I love this weather. It's raining and all I hear is the splatter of raindrops and loud claps of thunder. Really loud. Save the glow of my laptop, it's pitch black in here. I had been lying in bed half asleep when a particularly loud thunder clap jerked me awake. I sat up in bed and sat there for a couple of minutes. Just listening to the sounds aside.. :-) Now I'm online writing this... Why? I don't know... It felt right.

I'm going back to bed in a couple of minutes, but before I do that, I'm going to turn off my laptop, curl up on my couch, and watch the rain and the lightning through my wide open window... I know there are people out there who don't believe in God, but on nights like this, how can you not? :-)

Night ...

4:29 AM

I can't sleep... Oddly enough, I don't want to. I'm not doing anything in particular. Playing online scrabble and listening to this song on repeat... (It's the one playing on my page)... Online scrabble is fun... sometimes. Tonight, it's a lot of fun. I don't know why I'm so alert this late... Usually when I'm up at this time, I'm pretty much on 'drone mode', but I seem to be in my element tonight.

I've been 'wikipedia-ring' a lot too. Tonight I've read up on Euclid, Thor, Robert Hanssen, The KGB, and the legal term 'Tort'. I've recalculated the formulas in my both my weekly and monthly budget/expense sheet spreadsheets... I might have gotten a little carried away with that though; I went a little nuts with the conditional formatting tool... I've messed around with a couple of photographs in Photoshop... that was a LOT of fun... As much as I'd like to, I unfortunately can't post any of them online... That sucks 'cause I think most people (with sense of humors of course) would find them quite amusing... If I posted them though, I'd probably get sued or something... :-(

And this song... I can't seem to stop listening to this song. It's weird how I am with music, you know? I go through phases. Pretty intense - albeit short lived, phases. Three weeks ago, I would listen to nothing but Angels & Airwaves. In my car, at my job, on my iPod, doing my chores... It was just non stop Angels & Airwaves... About two weeks into my A&A obsession, I for some unexplainable reason, shifted to Sade... Lovers Rock - The entire CD... Again, I would play it non stop. At work all day, in my car on the way home, on my iPod after dinner, and on my laptop when I'd be online... A month and a half ago, it was Jigga. The time before that, David Gray... It's weird... I don't get it. There's no set order or time frame either. I once listened to a CD for two and a half months straight. On repeat...

I've come to find that I don't prefer a particular genre. My appreciation of music seems to vary/depend based wholly on my mood at the time I hear it... Is that weird? God, I hope not... Anyway, I get the feeling that Plain White T's (the band that plays this song) just might be my latest obsession...

Super Sweet Sixteen is on MTV... these kids need to be slapped. Really.... 4:57 AM, I should go to bed... I still want to read a little before I fall asleep....Someone needs to tell Eazy E's daughter that she can-not (yes, that was intentional) rap. Poor child... she swears to God she's sounds great too...

I'm going to bed now... It's 5:09 AM... If I don't do it now, I'll probably sit here till Jacob wakes up, and I'd rather not do that... He'll probably reprimand me or something...

"You stayed up all night again, didn't you mommy?... *shakes his head*... You have to stop doing that, it's NOT healthy..."

Not too long ago, he watched a show about living healthy... He apparently took everything quite literally. I didn't really care till he started pointing out every unhealthy thing he'd catch me doing.

"Not eating breakfast isn't healthy mommy... Even when you're late.." *disapproving scowl*

5:17 AM... Definitely going to bed now.

... I love this song...

I'm Cool...

I was standing in line at Stop and Shop today when I bumped into my old friend Matt... Matt. I met Matt about eight years ago when I worked as a telemarketer at dial America in Warwick, and we hit it instantly... His sense of humor matched mine to a T (which is saying a lot, 'cause I'm just weird), so we were constantly giggling about something or the other. His assigned 'call seat' was right next to mine, and we would find ourselves chatting between calls about pretty much everything and anything. He was about 6'5, head full of startlingly red hair, and a face covered with freckles... (Sometimes when things got really slow, we'd attempt to count them - his freckles... Yeah...I doubt that I even need to point it out, but smoking copious amounts of weed was a favorite past time of ours back then).. Basically, you get the gist... He's 'good peoples'..

Anyway, so I bump into Matt today. It was great. If possible, he looks like he's gotten even taller. We do the whole 'catching up' thing... We hug and compliment each other on how ''good you look'' numerous times... We talk over each other excitedly, laugh a little too loud to compensate for the fact that we each feel a little nervous.. Nervous or not though, it's great to see him. We trade email addresses and cell phone numbers... We express surprise that we're both T-Mobile subscribers and make dumb jokes about the fact that we get to talk for free... You know how it is, right? A whole bunch of words get thrown around with very little being said... small talk... All of a sudden, out the blue, he goes:

"Hey, wasn't your birthday in May? The 17th? The big two nine, huh? Wait... Did you get to go to Foxwoods (Casino) for your 21st birthday like you planned? I remember you wouldn't shut up about it!"

Two things strike me as he says this. The first is shock that he remembers my birthday, and the other is this incredible feeling of dismay at the realization that I 'didn't' go to Foxwoods for my 21st birthday like I'd planned to... It had been such a big thing to me too... I try to remember exactly why it was that I didn't go, but nothing comes to mind... (couldn't have been that important then, huh?)...

"No actually", I answer quite slowly... "I didn't end up going"....

"No way!" He yells, "What happened?!"

.... "I don't know...I honestly don't know... I can't remember"

"Well shit happens, right...? don't sweat it... At least you've been, right...? What does it matter when?"

....."Um... dude... You're not going to believe it, but I actually haven't gone yet... I've never been to Foxwoods..." (Feeling more and more like a failure with every word)

"NO WAY!! Monie, it was such a big deal to you!!"

...."I know....." (My heart has sunk so low at this point, I can almost feel it beneath my shoes)

"So what'd you end up doing for your 21st then? Did you get shit faced? Remember how you kept having me promise that I'd come get you if you got too drunk to drive home...?!"

*sigh*... "um... no... no, I didn't get shit faced"....

"WHAT?! What did you do then?!"

"... I don't know... I don't remember... Not only that, I've never gotten shitfaced before... Not once..."... *sigh*

Different, mostly indiscernible looks pass over his face as he's listening to me speak, but the one I pick up on is pity... I can see it on his face that he feels bad for me, and even though DEEP inside me, I know he has no real reason to, I can feel (almost see) myself cross over into defensive mode... I'm talking a mile a minute about my life and things I've accomplished thus far... I show him pictures of my son so he can see how healthy and happy he looks... I tell him about my job.. my apt.. my car... my car payments... my new phone... shit, I even find myself telling him about the food timetable/schedule I've drawn up for Jacob and I for the week... Don't ask why... I don't know...

We talk some more about a bunch of nothing, then we each have to leave... He makes me swear that I'll call him, and/or answer the phone when he calls... I do, we hug, and we each walk to our respective vehicles. I'm watching him out of the corner of my eye hoping to see him headed toward the beat up 92 Accord in the corner... Nope... Matthew climbs into an 06 Infinity truck and drives out the lot... *sigh*.

I sit in my car for a little while, just thinking... All of a sudden, all these memories come rushing back... I remember how... excited I was to be turning 21... How full of life I was... I had all these plans... all these things I wanted to do with/for myself... Things I wanted to experience... places I wanted to go... All of this sounds pretty cliche, doesn't it...? Yeah, I feel that way too...

Driving to go get Jacob, I'm getting more and more depressed. I pull into the parking lot at his daycare center and punch in the security code to get in... As I walk into his class, I see my son standing there talking to his friend Josh. When he sees me, he jumps up and rushes to me...

"Mommy, didn't we go to see Transformers yesterday? You and me? Tell Josh, he doesn't believe me..."

So I did. I told Josh I had taken Jacob to see Transformers yesterday.

"See?!" Crowed my son... "I told you... I have the coolest mom in the world!"

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, made EVERYTHING better. :-)

Jacob and I leaving to go see Transformers yesterday (7/4)...

PS: THAT MOVIE WAS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PPS: I love my cousin Buki... I'm aware of how completely random this is... I do though. I love her to death. :-) She left for Jand earlier today, so I'm assuming she's landed already...

Omo, If you read this, IM me or something... I know say na agro carry you reach there... just do small small, abeg... You know say those ibo boys no dey play! LOL

She's going to kill me for putting her business out there. lol...

Back

I feel like I just woke up from some deep slumber... the past three weeks sped by me with a speed and intensity that left me literally almost breathless and in a daze ... Wow. So much has happened in so little time. I think what makes the events of those weeks even more intense is the fact that I was taken completely by surprise... I think it was this past Friday night that I decided I'd had enough... I paused, took a deep breath and stopped EVERYTHING. Spent the night cuddled with Jacob on the couch watching some random movie...

I've felt a lot better since then... less hassled... less stressed. Anyway, it's 6:41 AM, and I've been up all night... I'm going to bed now, but will post when I get up... whenever that is... It feels good though... to be 'me' again... :-)

Oh... Posted some random pictures today...

ITS TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm straight freaking. I've been waiting for tonight FOREVER, and I can't believe that it's finally here!!!!! YAY!!! Its the Season Finale of The Sopranos tonight. My goodness, the anticipation is driving me insane! Who dies? Does Phil Leotardo and his posse get wiped out? Does Tony Soprano get whacked? (Ooh, I hope not, I'll be PISSED!)... What happens with A.J and his depression? Meadow? How about Sylvio? Does he recover? How about Dr. Melfi? What happens with her?! In that preview (that showed absolutely NOTHING!), they all seem to be looking up at something... what ARE they looking at? Does something blow up? Does someone fly off? ...The questions are endless...*sigh*... I'm trying REALLY hard to stay calm....


.... AAAAAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!


I said 'trying'...

Randomness

..Told you it was random.

"Josh's brother Ethan said so..."

"Mommy, what does 'tap that' mean?"

This was the question my six year old Jacob asked me on the way home today. I just had picked him from school and he was telling me about his day. How we went from talking about dinner to him asking this, I have no clue. All I know is one minute, we weighing the pros and cons of vegetables, the next, he's asking something about 'tapping that'.

"Huh?!"

"Well Josh's brother Ethan wants to 'tap that' with their neighbor."

Oh. Josh's brother Ethan. *sigh*. Josh is one of Jacob's best friends at daycare. He's a pretty nice kid... cute too. OK, remember that little boy that was on 'The Cosby Show'? Kenny? The one who'd preface every sentence with "My brother says..."...? Well, that's Jacob's friend Josh. Josh is six years old with a 19 year old brother named Ethan.... I've met the kid a couple of times... Anyway, Josh like adores his big brother and hangs on his every word... I don't think that Ethan actually sits and talks with Josh about a lot of things that he (Josh) says... I just think people should watch what they say around their children/siblings...

Since hanging out with Josh, Jacob has come home with stories/questions about:

how the doctor stuck a "HUMONGOUS q-tip in Josh's mouth so they could get some of his spit... now his dad just 'has' to pay child support!"...

Boobs. I was informed that "Josh's brother Ethan" is a 'boob man'... "What's that mean mommy? He likes boobs?... why?"

"Jessica Alba is the most beautiful woman in the world... uh huh... " (he nods emphatically)... "Josh said his brother Ethan says so".... Five minutes later, and most definitely an afterthought: "I think you're beautiful too, mommy... " *big smile*..."

So basically you get the idea...they all talk about everything in front of the kid, and he just soaks it all up... well, in bits and pieces, I guess... anyway, the kid is really nice though.. you know? ... He's polite and friendly...Kinda even feel bad for him... poor kid must be confused as all hell...

*sigh*... "Well, it just means Josh's brother Ethan would like to get to know their neighbor better... Wait.. how do you even know this?"

"Josh heard his brother Ethan talking about their neighbor on the phone and he was saying he wants to tap that... "

"Oh... Well, - ..."

- "Mommy, If he wants to get to know her better, why doesn't he just say that...? Why does he say 'tap that'?..."

"Hmm... Well, it's sort of another way of saying that...Not the best way... just another way"

"Is it a bad word..?"

"Well..not technically... It's a slang"

"Can I say it?"

"No."

"But you said its not a bad word... Can I please say it?"

"No."

Our conversation did not end there. This is just where I'm choosing to stop writing about the exchange because a second or two after that last "No", our conversation promptly evolved into a highly frustrating, extremely redundant verbal loop. One question after the other after the other after the other after the other after the other...

Even after my explanation (which I'm convinced went in one ear and out the other), he still tried to change my mind about him saying it. "I'll make sure I don't talk about any girls when I say it mommy... Promise.. only to my friends... The boys.. That won't be disrespectful... right mommy?"

Huh... what do you know? He 'was' listening.... kinda. It was shortly after this that I threatened to take his game boy away for a week if he mentioned another word about saying it... Things were fine (and quiet) after that... lol.

A little bit of randomness:

I just saw 'The Curse of the Golden Flower'...

I promise that you've NEVER seen anything like it. I'm willing to wager a lot of things on that promise... I know I haven't... My head's still reeling, and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing... It's single handedly the most visually lavish movie I have EVER seen. Bar none. It was amazing... Sometimes I felt like I was watching a painting come alive.

If he was looking to dazzle his audience with the most vibrant, lumionous colors one could possibly imagine, allow me give him a standing ovation. Mission accomplished... I seriously don't even know what to say... Did I like it...? For the most part: "Hell Yeah!!"... For the most part. He went a little over the top with some of the special effects and slow motion shots, and sometimes I didn't know whether to gasp in awe or chuckle in disbelief..

This director guy directed both 'Hero' and 'House of Flying Daggers', and if you've seen those movies, you know of that feeling one gets whilst watching a PERFECTLY choreographed fight scene.... This movie outdoes those two when it comes to all of that... I have to say that even though I'd rather not see anything gold or yellow for a while (the entire movie was draped in those colors), I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for the mind that was able to put such a visually magnificent piece together... In my opinion, the previews do it no justice.

PS: If you're planning to see this movie and you have a high def TV, I'm terribly jealous 'cause you're in for a treat...

PPS: How am I not able to get the chorus of Rihanna's 'Umbrella' out of my head?! All night I've been bursting out with random cries of "Under my umbrella, -ella ella eh eh eh"... *sigh*. Damn those catchy ass hooks!

Oh before I forget, THERE'S ONLY ONE EPISODE OF THE SOPRANOS LEFT!!!!!!! I'm freaking... the anticipation is killing me!

My cousin looking gorgeous as usual... I've been thinking about her all day so I'm showing love... :=) "Missing you like crazy sweetie! Oh and if you see this before I get to work tomorrow, prepare yourself for my email. I dey vex... Upon all your mouth, you no call mumsie.... Razz girl." lol.

My Neighbors Are Fighting

And I can hear them loud and clear... it started about fifteen or twenty minutes ago, and they both seem to be getting even more angry by the second. It's crazy... They're above me so I can hear them stomping from room to room as they yell. She's freaking out about something... One minute she's crying, the next she's screaming... He keeps yelling "What did you want me to do? I didn't have a choice!!"

Nuts... They're usually pretty quiet too. Just the other day, I was watching them as they were going out, thinking how cute and happy they looked as a couple... they were making out and everything...

.. I think she just threw something 'cause I heard it shatter... Damn. Watch, someone's going to call the cops... I'm surprised they haven't come around yet...

I'm going to bed... As loud and as fierce as their fight is, their 'make up sex' is bound to be equally as intense... I'd rather not be awake for that...

7 Things You Didn't Know...

First off, if you're in your late twenties to early thirties and you happen to be reading this, you'd probably remember the song playing... 'Pass The Dutchie' by Musical Youth. You guys remember this song, right? I remember that I used to watch the video all the time. I used to think they were so cool for disrupting the courtroom with their music... Hopefully at least one person remembers the song... :=)


Ok.. Per Idemmili, here are 7 Things you probably didn't know about me:

1. I'm a border-line insomniac. I find that I have to force myself to go to bed every night. On very rare occasions, I'll pass out early because I'm exhausted... VERY rare occasions. Usually, I'll stay up all night if I don't make myself go to bed. During the week, I have to follow a very strict regiment that puts me lying on my bed with the lights out by midnight at the very latest. If I don't do that, I won't go to sleep. I'll just stay up doing one thing or another... I mean, it's 5:05 AM right now and I'm still wide awake...

2. I'm an avid News reader. I read the news constantly... I frequent msnbc.com, fox.com, cnn.com, nypost.com, washingtonpost.com and turntoten.com... The last one's the local Providence news... I have all six stations bookmarked online, and visit each one God only knows how many times during the day... I never thought the day would come when I'd actually read or watch the news, but I really do... I must be getting old.

3. I can't be around loud or talkative people for a long period of time. They irritate and annoy me. These are the people who are able to carry on conversations (meaningful or not) for hours on end. Long winded as all hell. What they can say in two sentences, they'll say with 15... How about the 'loud talkers'? The ones who completely miss the concept of the 'inside voice'... they yell out their words at you even when you're standing right next to death... Yep... Well, I can take them in little doses but that's it. After I've been around them for a while at a time, I feel myself start to lose it... If they're loud and talkative enough, I start to have physical reactions... really. I get cranky, snappy, sweaty, and start to feel like I'm suffocating. Almost like someone who's claustrophobic would feel if he/she were locked in a closet...

4. When it comes to romance, I'm pathetically cliche. I love romance and everything about it. I love those butterflies in the belly when you meet someone new...How you wake up and can't wait to call them just to say "hi".. I love to kiss... I love the first kiss... how special it usually is... Especially when its with someone you have a great connection with... you know? That slow way you kiss, the way you hold each other... how you smile when you move away, because it just feels so... right... All of that... I love that. I cry when I watch romance movies... I mean, I 'really' cry... As in all out bawling... I could watch the same movie a million and one times, and I'll still cry each and every time at the exact same scenes... Even mushy Hallmark commercials make me cry... lol.. I enjoy the back and forth courting process... I savor it... I love the way I giggle and roll over when I'm laying in bed thinking about him.. lol.. I love to check my phone for new texts... email for new messages... I love those first months when everything is just copacetic...ALL of that and more, I love... I'm most definitely a hopeless romantic... :=)...

5. I'm very attracted to confident men...Not cocky.. confident (the line that separates those two is VERY thin and sometimes blurry)... They're like walking aphrodisiacs to me...

6. I have the Closed Caption feature on my TV turned on at all times... When I watch movies, I immediately turn on the subtitles... It's definitely one of my eccentricities, but its a habit that I have. I make exceptions when I have company of course... Other than that though, I just love it. There's something comforting about reading the words they're speaking.

7. I love William Shakespeare's 'Macbeth'. Its one of my favorite plays of all time. It intrigues the heck out of me and I never tire of reading it... The plot, the underlying evil in the characters... the intricacies of the human mind and its ability to use one's greed as an ingredient to turn a want into a need, then a full on obsession... I could read that play a million times... The characters all intrigue for different reasons...

These were the seven I could come up with off the dome... Are they important...? I doubt it.. Still though, it didn't say '7 important things about you'... Nope..It said 7 things you didn't know.. :=) It's now 5:38 AM... I should go to bed... In the meantime, rock on to 'Musical Youth'... :=)

When It Rains ....

I got pick pocketed yesterday. Some bastard of a man bumped into me and stole my organizer right out of my purse. In that organizer was $800 cash that I'd JUST withdrawn from the ATM, my credit cards, store cards, license, medical cards, business cards, checkbook, and pictures of my son... Why did I have $800 in my purse? Well, I was going to stop by and pay my rent on my way back from work... Why didn't I write my landlord a check? Well, the management company I deal with specifically requested cash. The irony of the situation is that I NEVER have cash on me. I'm one of those people who uses her debit card for everything. My paycheck is direct deposited into my account, I pay my bills online or by check.. I just pretty much never have cash on me.. The one day that I do, I get robbed.

He was slick too, you know? He bumped into me in Walgreens Parking lot... I'd stopped by there on my way to work so I could grab a drink real quick... When he bumped into me, I'd bought the drink and was heading back to my car. I remember wondering why dude had on a winter coat on such a hot day, but I didn't really give it much thought. Had he been in the store when I bought my drink, I'd say maybe he saw the cash and targeted me. Had I not used an ATM miles away from that particular store, I'd say maybe he saw me make the withdrawal and followed... It was just one of those fucking random things that happen....

I didn't even realize it at first. After the collision, he apologized and we each went our separate ways... I was about two steps from my car when I realized how light my purse felt... I looked in it just to make sure everything is as it should be, but nothing is... My frigging organizer's gone...it's not a little one either. It's big and bulky with tons of papers, cards, receipts, and all sorts of crap in it... HOW did he do that? HOW did I not know? HOW did I not feel it?

The second I realize what's happened, I start to look around for him. By this time, dude's long gone. I comb the entire lot looking for him... I even went back into the store.. Nothing. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know who to call... I just stood there watching the cars at the light. Finally, it hit me that I should cancel my cards... I jump in my car, grab my cellphone and call my bank. The debit card is cancelled, check book is voided. After about a million and one 411 calls, I get all the credit card company numbers, and call them as well... I then call my boss, tell her what happened, and ask to go to the Police Station to file a report... She's understanding, she says to take as long as I need to...

All this while right, I'm eerily calm. It's weird... I'm not crying, I'm not swearing... I'm not anything. I'm just dead calm. I turn up the radio in my car and listen to the DJs banter back and forth for a while. When I get to the police station, I tell them what happened, they take my statement. Everything in their demeanor says 'Tough luck, take better care next time", but they go through the motions with me. I'm asked if I can describe the 'suspect'... No...I hardly glanced at him. Plus he had on a baseball cap and a humongous winter jacket. "Do you remember what color his jacket was...? Do you remember what color his hat was...? Did he have an accent?... Do you remember his race/ethnicity?... Are you sure you didn't leave it on the counter at the register...?"

Tons of questions. I realized as I answered their questions that I hadn't been exaggerating at all. I really didn't look at the dude.. He was just another human being that had bumped into me... I could recollect absolutely nothing about him... No distinguishing feature, nothing... If he was to walk right by me and look me in the eyes, I probably wouldn't recognize him... I wish I'd looked at him... I'd remember. I never, ever forget a face... It's a thing with me...

Anyway, after he's exhausted his list of questions, the cop leans back and looks at me. He doesn't even have to say anything... it's a lost cause, and we both know it. I thank him for his time, he thanks me for mine and promises to call if he finds anything out, but he and I know that I'll never get that call... I walk back to my car and just sit in it for a couple of seconds... Oddly enough, still no major emotional break down. I haven't cried, I haven't yelled, I haven't done anything.

I'm aware that I have NO clue how I'll be paying my rent. I'm aware that in one morning, my ENTIRE budget has been thrown wildly off... I'm aware that if I don't pay my rent by the 1st, I get an extra $50 tacked on... I'm aware that thanks to that scumbag, I have NO access to any money at all.. I can't use the ATM machine till I get a new card. "In about 7 -10 days business days" the customer service chick had quipped when I had asked. I can't write checks because that was my last book... I have to wait to get a new box sent out to me...yep. You guessed it. "In about 7 -10 business days". The same story goes for my credit cards... Shit, I can't even make a withdrawal from the bank branch... I don't have ID... I could go to the DMV to get a new license, but wait... that costs money which I can't get 'cause I don't have an ID... Still though... I was strangely calm.

I drove to work in a sort of daze. Don't get me wrong; I was definitely upset. I think I was just hesitant to actually give in to whatever feelings I had brewing inside of me because I was terrified that if I started crying or something, I wouldn't be able to stop. When I got to work, I talked to my boss for a couple of minutes... She expressed her sympathy and shakes her head at the 'boldness' of thieves today... I nod back... you know how it goes...

I walk into my cube and sit down at my desk. After my PC loads, I open up all necessary programs and start my daily tasks... I work with numbers... tons of data in excel and access, and details are VERY important, so I had to focus. After I'd worked for a while, I decide to check my 'myspace' page because I'd written someone the day before, and I wanted to know if I had gotten a response. I log in, and it tells me I have new messages. "Cool", I think. I click on my Inbox, and I find myself staring at a message from my ex. Subject line: "Hey Sexy...".

O...K...? I sit there staring at it for a while. Confused as all hell. This is my ex Jimi, and we hardly ever speak anymore. Actually, we don't. I haven't heard from him in a hot minute, so 'why' I'm staring at a message from him, I don't know... I take a deep breath and open it up. After reading the first line, it's apparent that the message is not intended for me. He's sent me his new girlfriend's message by mistake... I calmly finish reading it, hit 'reply', type "Wrong girl", and send it to him. After that, I delete the message from my Inbox and keep doing my work... It must be freaking 'Random Shit That Can Happen To Monie' day or something, no?

Still though, I keep working... Doing what I have to do... About an hour or so later, my cell phone starts vibrating. I answer it, and its the HR lady at this company I'd applied to a while back... They've had me in for FOUR interviews thus far, and with each one, I find myself getting even more excited and confident about getting the position. Anyway, she calls to tell me that even though I was the front runner for it, they have unfortunately decided not to go ahead with the hiring process. Apparently, they will not be filling the position till next year.

And 'that', was the straw that broke the camel's back. I'd had enough. WHAT did I do? HOW am I having all this shit happen to me on the SAME freaking day?!! I ask my manager if I can take a minute, and she says to take all the time I want... I grab my phone and go sit in my car. I desperately want/need to talk to someone, but I don't know who. I make a couple of phone calls and talk to a bunch of my friends... then I head back inside.

The rest of day goes by in a blur... I go over to my sisters for dinner..Hang out with my niece and nephew, come home, put my son to bed, then just sit. I go over the events of the day about a million and one times... Trying to make some sense of things... Trying to figure out what my options are...how to rectify my predicament. I want to scream... I want to cry... Instead I just sit. I don't even turn the TV on. The longer I'm sitting there, the more upset I'm getting, and I just know that I'm about to break down. I decide to go to bed and watch a movie that'll help me forget.. at least temporarily... Before I go in, I grab my camera and take a quick snapshot of my face... I do that a lot actually. Whenever I find myself experiencing an especially intense emotion (whether it be anger, happiness, sadness, excitement...whatever), I always take a quick picture... I do it with/to people around me as well...

(You'll be amazed at how much emotion one can capture with a camera... Especially when said emotion is so strong that it can't be hidden by/with a pose or a smile... It's quite interesting actually.... I have a whole library of emotion-filled faces. Its pretty cool. I have to say that I find anger the most intriguing emotion yet. It literally shines right through the eyes... I don't care how much you try, you can never hide genuine anger. It will ALWAYS show in the eyes... The eyes are MOST DEFINITELY the windows to the soul...)

Yeah... I was miserable.

Anyway, I head into my room and proceed to watch Pan's Labyrinth again... I needed to lose myself in something, and that movie was it... It took me away from my apartment, took me away from all the shit I was dealing with... It was great... Much needed escape.

So now its 1:18 AM Saturday morning. I'm glad I can write about all that now... It's how I know I'm OK. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be able to write about it... It's just money, right? Yes, I literally had to call everyone I knew for a loan... Yes, I had to grovel a couple of times, but you know what? its fine... Life goes on... :=) There's worse things that can happen to a person... In all things, give thanks. :=)

He's URBALIST! If you're around Atlanta, tell your friends...

Sleep Talking

It's 11:10 PM and about five minutes ago whilst I was standing in my sleeping son's room quietly getting his clothes ready for tomorrow, I was startled to high heavens by him (still fast asleep) yelling out the words: "Chaos Control!"... He actually drew it out, so it sounded more like "Chaaaooos Controool!"... I was still standing there in shock trying to calm my rattled nerves when he hit me with: "No Sonic, I'm OK. You save Maria!!"

What the heck?... These freaking cartoons, I swear..

PS:

It's a good day in blog world. Isaac's here and he brought the Burning Building with him.... :-)

Providence

Its 1:29 am, and I'm lying on my bed with my laptop about to watch 'Half Nelson'. I don't usually do this; bring my laptop to my room. I try to keep it on my desk because of Jacob, but it's been in here for most of the weekend... Anyway, here I am lying on my bed... Watching the last bit of Law & Order: CI before I play my movie... It's dead quiet in this room right now... I've been watching the show with the sound muted and closed caption on for its entire duration... (I do that... Its fun ..)

Anyway, I find myself suddenly writing this because a few minutes ago, a word used very randomly in the dialogue sent a very sudden, yet piercing thought through my mind... It wasn't anything profound or groundbreaking.. It was a simple thought, actually. With that thought came a very sudden comprehension of a word that I use so often the meaning of it had lost all significance to me...

I live in Providence, RI... "Providence..."

prov·i·dence –noun
1. the foreseeing care and guidance of God or nature over the creatures of the earth.
2. God, esp. when conceived as omnisciently directing the universe and the affairs of humankind with wise benevolence.
3. a manifestation of divine care or direction.
4. provident or prudent management of resources; prudence.
5. foresight; provident care.

... It's a good thing.. I don't know why I suddenly feel like this. I've lived here for the past eight years and have never given a second thought to the name of the city or its definition. Why it's struck me right this minute I don't know, but I'm feeling pretty good right now.... I have a warm feeling on 'the inside'... Hey who knows? Maybe it's the mood I've been lately... Maybe it's the atmosphere in the house... It's really quiet and chill right now... All the lights are out save my bedside lamp, and that's quite dim... My windows are wide open and all I hear on the outside is the wind and the water... even the annoying geese are quiet right now.... No cars even. Peaceful and Blessed... That's how I'm feeling... Peaceful... Blessed... Reassured.. Grateful... It's definitely a good thing....

I'm going to watch my movie now... You have a good night... :=)

When Size 'Does' Matter... Oh, and a breakdancing mishap (This video 'will' make you wince...)

It was not my intention to have two sexually themed posts in a row, but I just have to write about this... My really good friend Michelle (That's not her name... I sort of have to keep her identity private) is in a predicament, and I'm not too sure how to help her out...

I should tell you about my girl Michelle... I've known Michelle for as long as I've been in this country... Over the years, she and I have built a friendship that's been able to withstand pretty much everything and anything. She's single handedly 'the' closest person to me over here, and we have little or no secrets between us... Her story however, is a little cliche... She seems to have terrible luck when it comes to men. All the men she's been with have been selfish, useless, and have treated her and her kids like crap... Where I've pretty much had two long term relationships in the past years, she's been unfortunate enough to go through a string of bums... Till now.

Michelle met this dude (We'll call him... 'Jason') about six or seven months ago. When she first told me about him, I gave her the usual 'pep talk' and advice then just waited to see how things would go... Well, it turned out that she'd actually hit Jackpot this time... Jason appeared to be the real deal. He was caring, attentive and sensitive...He cared about her and her kids, and helped her with pretty much anything she needed help with... he was also really devoted. At first, I was a little skeptical (I'm very protective of her), but as time went on, I came to warm to him and finally consider the possibility that my best friend had found 'the one'.

Anyway, shortly after they'd been together, Michelle called me really upset late one night... She wasn't crying or anything...she was just 'bothered'... When I asked what was wrong, she told me that she and Jason had had sex for the first time...

Me: Oh...

'Chelle: Yeah... Monie... It was TERRIBLE! He's tiny!!

Me: Damn!... That's messed up... *starting to laugh* He can't be that bad though, no?

'Chelle: Monie, I've NEVER seen anything that little before... I couldn't freaking believe it! He's minute!

Me: Woooow! *laugh*.. My bad... Dang.. Well... size apart, how'd he do?

'Chelle: How'd he do? He was worse than bad!! It'd be one thing if he could work it, but he can't! Dude lasted all of a minute or two, and I couldn't even freaking feel him! He had the 'nerve' to ask 'how it was'!! aaarrrghhh!

Me: LOL! What'd you say?

'Chelle: What'd you think I said...? I said it was good! Oh my God... what am I going to do??!! There is NO WAY that I can deal with that... He's nice and all, but come on!!! That was freaking pathetic! No wonder he was freaking single!...

Me: *Laughing hysterically*

'Chelle: You need to stop laughing 'cause its not funny... Its just my luck. The first decent man I meet has a freaking thumb for a penis! *sigh*... wow... I've never seen anything like that before... he kept falling out and everything! I can't remember the last time in my life I had to fake an orgasm... HOW could he even think he was good???!! HOW could he not know??!!

Me: *laughing even harder*

'Chelle: Monie, STOP FREAKING LAUGHING!!! ITS NOT FUNNY!!!

I stopped laughing when I heard the seriousness in her tone... She wasn't playing.... I didn't really know what to tell her so I gave her the usual cliche advice that one gives in a situation like that... "Well.. its only your first time... give it a little bit, maybe he'll get better"... that was like four months ago and Jason has not gotten better yet...

Well, Michelle started seeing someone on the side very shortly after... He's a 'friend with benefits', and their relationship is very clearly defined to them both... Its all about sex... Nothing more, nothing less... She sees him during the day when she gets out of work, and sees Jason at night when he gets out of work... Its not my intention to give you the wrong impression here; She feels VERY badly about this... She's also terrified that Jason will find out...If you're wondering if she's doing them both at the same time, she kinda is... Although she no longer sleeps with Jason as often as she used to (or he'd like), she occasionally runs out of excuses and has to give in...

We talk about all these things quite often... She tends to call me when she's feeling really guilty about a particularly nice 'romp' with the side buddy... She doesn't know what to do, and constantly asks me for advice... I have no clue what to say to her besides "You need to break up with Jason"... She knows that this is the right thing to do, but hesitates because she really does love him... How can she love him and still cheat on him, you ask...? *sigh*... It's not hard... Although I don't agree with what she's doing at all, I feel bad for her... She's right... All these years, she's gone from one asshole to the other, and when she finally finds one who actually cares, he's packing about as much as a prepubescent teenager...

What then to do..? I know a lot of people are probably thinking "Well, relationships aren't all about sex", but lets admit that if you're in a sexually active relationship, its VERY important that each person is satisfied... yes? I mean, nice or not, who would want to be in a relationship with someone who can't handle business...? Some people say "Its not the size of the package...it's how the package is handled", but what if the 'package handler' is terrible? How does one cope with that...? Are you expected to grit your teeth and deal with it or do you do what she's doing...? Before she started with the other dude, she went and bought herself a dildo with the hopes that she'd get some satisfaction from that, and not have to cheat... Turns out that it didn't work...

So now my girl is dealing with tons of issues... Being that sex aside, Jason is a great guy who's doing more for her and her kids by the day, she's having to deal with constant guilt about what she's doing... She's also terrified that he'll find out and not only would they break up, but she'll do irreparable damage to his heart... Her conscience keeps losing the battle against her desires and she now finds herself in this cycle of deceit that she can't seem to get out of... She tells one lie to cover the other and another to cover the last... This isn't one of those situations that 'gets better' either... He's not all of a sudden going to grow a longer or larger penis... He's not all of a sudden going to learn new moves to stun her with...From what I understand, I don't even think that it'd matter what moves he learns...

I guess it explains why he's so great a guy... What he lacks in size, he makes up in heart... (sheesh, that was corny!)... So...? Any ideas for my girl, anyone...? I'll be honest and admit that I'm being terribly partial and hypocritical here. If this was anyone else, I wouldn't be so tolerant or understanding...I'd give my "A cheat is a cheat is a cheat" speech, and accuse her of trying to eat her cake and have it... Don't get me wrong, she knows I don't approve... she knows I think its wrong.. Still though... you know? Anyway, has anyone had to deal with something like this before...? What to do..? Soul, Olawunmi, Dilch... bloggers.. Your words of wisdom are greatly needed!


Ok... Quick Edit:

After I picked Jacob up tonight, I had to run by to see a friend of mine really quick... We were standing in her kitchen talking when I heard about male voices go "OH!!!" really loud. The voices came from the basement (which is also a den) so I assumed her brother and his friends were downstairs playing video games or something... Being that I'm pretty good friends with him, I figured I'd go downstairs to say hi... As I headed down the stairs, I heard them all yell again... Twice... When I walked into the basement, rather than seeing them playing video games like I'd expected, I found all six of them huddled around a laptop...

It was whatever they were watching that was causing the yells...I elbowed my way to the front so I could see what they were looking it, and it turned out that they were watching this clip on youtube... I have to warn you...It's almost painful to watch... I've winced, groaned, or made some sort of exclamation every time I've seen this clip... That child's mother should be beaten for letting go... OUCH!

The Politics of 'Doing the Do'

Olawunmi posted a list of '50 mistakes woman make during sex'... I was so tickled by it, I went looking for a list of 50 mistakes men make during sex... I've posted both lists... Read and agree/disagree... After you read, if you can think of anything else, please feel free to add it... I'm curious as all hell.. lol.. All comments are welcome... Alright, here goes:

Here's the 'Men' list... Now, I have to say that I personally find this list pretty dumb and unrealistic... Maybe it was intended for teenagers? I don't know but I think whoever wrote it might be over analyzing a little, I guess, to each his own though, right?... Read and tell me what you think... I got this from eioba.com.


Fifty Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex

Just in case you thought the route to sexual bliss was straightforward, here's a list of things to avoid. They're all pretty much guaranteed passion killers for a woman - and if your check list contains more than ten of these, you've got some serious work to do on your sexual etiquette!

1. Going straight for the naughty bits.
You've got to be sensitive to the fact that a woman is more likely to be irritated than aroused when a man dives for her breasts and vulva after a few minutes' perfunctory kissing. While you might get to feel the goods, you're not going to be invited back.

2. Not knowing how to kiss sensitively.
Passionate or sensitive, firm or gentle, good kissing is an art form which lubricates the wheels of sex and gets everyone in the mood for more intimacy. Learn how to kiss, and do it well. That doesn't mean sticking your tongue in her mouth and wiggling it around like you're trying to floss her teeth.

3. Being too rough when you touch her erogenous zones.
Men like a firmer touch than women, especially when it comes to our penises. So if you touch her clitoris with as much force as you apply to your penis when you masturbate, she's most likely to howl with pain - and then kick you out of bed. Remember: the clitoris has twice as many nerve endings as the penis, in a much smaller area. Treat it with respect. It's the only organ in the human body that has no function other than to provide pleasure.

4. Not stroking and caressing her.
A woman's second biggest sex organ is her skin. (The first is her mind.) You can make your touch on any part of her body into a sexy caress, but you have to focus on what you're doing and put some sexual energy into your fingers while you caress her. That means not thinking about the baseball game while you're giving her a sensuous massage.

5. Locking onto her nipples like a suckling child
Yes, we know it's fun for you. To her it just feels like she's got a teething infant hanging off her breast. Lick and kiss around her whole breast before you go for the nipple, then flick your tongue gently across the nipple and around the areolae. If she likes what you're doing, you'll know by her moans of pleasure.

6. Biting on her earlobe because you think it's sexy.
She may not agree with you. In which case it will just be irritating for her, not a prelude to her turning into the sex goddess you thought you were summoning up.

7. Leaving a hickey on her neck like a teenage badge of honor.
If you're over sixteen, this is a no-no. If you need to know why, you're obviously under sixteen.

8. Not shaving before sex
When you're in the throes of passion, having your beard stubble brushing back and forth across her face isn't so sexy, but at least it'll produce a red rash she can remember you by.

9. Not washing your pits and bits before you have sex
If there's one thing that turns women off, it's a lover whose personal hygiene isn't up to scratch. Even though men have a higher smell threshold than women, keeping yourself clean - especially in the more intimate corners of your anatomy (like under your foreskin) - is not just a matter of courtesy, it's a ticket back to the bedroom.

10. Forgetting she has a sensuous body waiting to be stroked
Pretty much the same point we already made up above, but worth remembering: touch doesn't just have to be in the bedroom, a prelude to sex. In fact, if you touch her a lot in a loving way during the day, she'll be ready to melt into your arms by bedtime.

11. Trying to get your fingers in her underwear before she's ready
This is the mark of a gauche teenage lover who wants to get to fourth base just so he feels more accomplished as a lover. Take your time, let things evolve naturally, and apply a little sensuous touch on the fabric covering her vulva before you dive under the elastic. The hint of what's to come is often more erotic than diving straight in there.

12. Dropping the condom on the floor.
Must we say why this isn't the most popular move post sex? Dispose of the condom tidily in a tissue - put it in the bin rather than down the toilet, or it's likely to float there for some time to come as a reminder of your sexual encounter.

13. Going straight for the clitoris during oral sex or masturbation
Like we said above, most women just find this irritating - and, if you press too hard, bloody uncomfortable too. Your first caresses should be on her labia, the lips of her vulva, then as she gets more aroused, you can work nearer the clitoris itself. But even when she's aroused a soft touch along the sides of her clitoris may be more acceptable for her than any pressure on the head of her clitoris.

14. Breaking off just as she's getting to the point where she wants you to keep going at all costs
Women often get so lost in their sexual arousal that they forget to give feedback. In reality, the fact that she's lying there quietly may actually mean she loves what you're doing; if so, you should feel her pressing her vulva against your mouth or fingers, or shifting like she wants more touch, rather than giving you a sense that she'd rather be out shopping.

15. Undressing her clumsily.
Listen up guys: you don't have to be able to take her bra off with one hand, behind her back, while kissing her. In fact, in my experience, it's better if you don't try. She probably puts it on by fastening it first and pulling it over her head anyway. Let her take off the garments you don't understand, and whenever you do lend a helping hand, undress her gently and sensuously rather than pulling at her clothes like you're ripping the paper off a birthday present.

16. Undressing yourself inelegantly - which includes taking your socks off after your underwear
Nothing is more comical (or pathetic) to a woman than a man in his socks and pants. Except possibly a naked man wearing socks. If you don't understand why, just accept that it is so.

17. Expecting her to shave for you
You might like the baby smooth look around her vulva, but she's more likely to see this as a prickly route to itchy stubble. Ask her nicely if you'd like her to go smooth. If she says "no", accept that graciously.

18. Sticking a finger up her vagina before she's ready, willing and able
In general, women do like to be penetrated just as much as men like to penetrate, which, considering how much men like to stick things up there, is just as well. However, she'll only want you to do this when the time is right - i.e. when she's aroused enough to enjoy it. If you're giving her clitoris attention, there'll be a point where she might like to have a finger or two inside her. If so, be gentle, and start with one finger on her G-spot. Make sure she enjoys this before you put another one up there. Two fingers on her G-spot is probably as much as she will want. And be just as firm with your touch as she finds pleasurable. If you don't know what the G-spot is, then do some Google-ing before you get into bed.

19. Entering her without asking her first
What is it with men and these dark, wet places? Just keep in mind that she decides how far sex goes, and if she doesn't want to enjoy intercourse then don't press the point. This applies especially to any strategy that involves nudging your penis into position and then pressing forward without her consent, verbal or otherwise! Having said that, you don't always need to ask "May I enter you?" though it can be a romantic and sexy thing to do if you're looking deep into her eyes. Needless to say, that's most likely to happen in the man on top position, which, by the way, remains everyone's most popular position for sex.

20. Pecking away around her vagina with your penis if you can't find the way in
This is, by all accounts, many women's least desired sexual moment. If for any reason you can't get in, don't pretend you're in control and keep trying. Simply ask her to guide you in with her hand. That way you'll save a lot of embarrassment, not to mention time.

20. Pumping away without regard for her pleasure
When you've achieved your most desired objective, and your penis is inside her, you'll want to show a certain consideration for her pleasure. She may want hard and fast thrusting, but it's best to start slow and shallow. While you're making love, she'll most appreciate your efforts if you're masculine and strong - which is to say, if you act like you know what you're doing, you're considerate and gentle at first, and work up to firm and strong thrusts if she likes them.

21. Expecting her to make love bottom up
Yes, we all enjoy rear entry. But she may be more self-conscious of her butt, she may feel like a sex object, and she may not like the rather impersonal nature of this position. If you really want to do it, and you explain to her why you like it so much (i.e. "It's incredibly exciting to see your gorgeous bottom as we make love", rather than "I get so turned on fucking from behind") she'll probably co-operate from time to time, even if it's only on your birthday and hers.

22. Thrusting too hard
If you happen to be well-endowed, or she has a short vagina, and you thrust too hard, you may end up banging her cervix. This can make her shriek, though sadly not with sexual pleasure.

23. Coming before she's got excited or begun to enjoy sex
There aren't many men who can last long enough to really satisfy a woman who enjoys vaginal intercourse and G-spot stimulation. If you can't be bothered learning how to be a long lasting lover, then at least have the decency to keep going for a few minutes so she gets some pleasure. This isn't hard, and there are plenty of ways you can learn to extend intercourse and not come so quickly. Do some research on Google for "end premature ejaculation". See also number 26.

24. Not coming at all - or losing your erection when you put the condom on
If you're one of that rarer breed of men who has trouble coming during intercourse, may we respectfully suggest you see a sexual therapist? You can then deal with this problem, learn to come more quickly, and avoid giving her a numb vagina and an intimate knowledge of the exact shade of color you painted your bedroom ceiling. If you're one of the many men who lose their erection when the condom comes out of its foil wrapper and onto the head of your penis, it's back to Google for a search on, surprisingly enough, "losing erection when putting on a condom".

25. Asking her how it was for her
This is not the mark of a confident lover, so if you really want some feedback, phrase it thus: "Did you prefer it when I did X or Y?"

26. Not going down on her when she wants oral pleasure
Since oral sex on a woman is so pleasurable for most men, this seems unlikely. But if it's a question of the smell or taste being a bit much for you, try taking a shower or bath together before sex. If you just want her to fellate you and you simply can't be bothered to reciprocate with cunnilingus, then reading these tips isn't going to help you much anyway.

27. Failing to give her pleasure if you come quickly
Remember the motto: "Women come first!" As a man, you're probably going to lose interest in sex once you've ejaculated - at least for a while. In which case, make sure she comes through oral sex or masturbation before you enter her. That way, she gets her pleasure and so do you. (With the added bonus that it doesn't matter so much if you shoot quite quickly.) Just to enter her, thrust a few times, come, roll over and forget about her is the mark of a boorish lover, and you wouldn't want to be one of those, now would you?

28. Trying to force her head towards your cock
Let's face it: she's either willing to give your oral sex or she's not. Trying to persuade her to get her lips around your glans by edging her head towards your groin is a bit crass, to say the least. If she doesn't seem to be heading that way as things hot up, just ask her: "There's something you could do that'd give me so much pleasure....."

29. Holding her head when she goes down on you
Pretty similar to number 28, but this time, holding her head and moving it up and down on your penis is the no-no. If you think that's acceptable sexual etiquette you've been watching too many of the wrong kind of films.

30. Coming in her mouth without asking her if it's OK
The taste of semen is very much an acquired taste; unfortunately it's one that few woman ever acquire. If she doesn't like it, ask her to keep going until the last minute, then tell her when you're going to come so she can move back and finish the job with a well-lubed hand. You'll get just as much pleasure, and she won't have to gag or spit your semen out. By the way, accidentally forgetting to tell her you're going to come is not permitted.

31. Thinking that a porno movie has anything to do with real life
Porn is not good for men's egos. Real life isn't like that, OK?

32. Switching on a hard core porn film without asking whether that's OK with her
Even if you find it arousing, she's not likely to, for the simple reason that much of the porn available today is fairly abusive to women. Ask her first, and if you want to share the erotic thrill of watching people have sex, get hold of some romantic sex movies that will appeal to her emotions as well as her sex drive.

33 .Apologizing for the size of your penis
Just in case you ever feel inclined to apologize for not matching up to the guys in the wrong kind of movies, just remember: 98% of women would rather have a sensitive lover than one with a big penis. If you're with one of the other two percent, you need to find a new lover.

34. Answering honestly when she asks you what your last lover was like
Guys, when a woman asks you if her butt is too big, do you tell her the truth? Enough said. Your current lover is always the most gorgeous, sexy and desirable woman around. Even if she doesn't really believe it, that's what she wants to hear.

35. Asking her if she'd mind if her girlfriend joined you
Threesomes can be exciting, but they usually just cause jealousy and upset when one partner unexpectedly finds they don't want their partner making out with another person. Needless to say, this usually happens to the woman. So be sure, be very sure, you know what you're doing before you try this one.

36. Making her do all the work
Changing positions is all very well, but asking her to ride you each time you have sex seems a bit one sided. Vary the positions, have fun, and take equal shares of the work. Don't just settle for one favorite position and flog it to death.

37. Trying to slip it in the back door by "accident"
Anal sex is something that a lot fewer couples have tried than you'd believe from what you read on the internet or see in porn. It's something you might like to try, but you both have to want to do it. She's not likely to respond with warmth if you keep pretending you're poking her anus by accident. And she won't believe you if you tell her you just didn't want to ask for directions, even if that's how you are when you're driving around lost, looking for somewhere.

38. Photographing or videoing your lovemaking
Unfortunately, as many jilted lovers can testify, taking pictures while you enjoy sex is putting power in the hands of the person who has the pictures. A good compromise is to link your video camera direct to your TV without recording the images. That way you can have the erotic thrill of seeing yourself during sex without having to worry about seeing yourself having sex on the internet in a few years' time.

39. Getting into the same old same old routine every time you have sex
Above almost everything else (except possibly being deeply in love), ringing the changes when you make love is the thing that will keep your sex life fresh and passionate. You'll be surprised just how exciting it can be when you try a new position. This is simply because every position puts a different pressure on the penis and vagina, or gives you a new perspective of your partner's body, or perhaps allows you to see entering your partner's body, and so on. Exactly which sex position feels most pleasurable will depend on the shape and size and shape of your penis and her vagina.

40. Not romancing her
Women love romance. Men put up with it, or do it to get sex. True or false? Probably true, but the romantic "chase" is deeply rewarding for most men (i.e. seducing and winning a woman makes us feel deeply fulfilled), and romance is an essential part of that process. If you're able to continue being romantic once you're an established couple, then you set yourself head and shoulders above the rest of your fellow men, and you stand that much greater chance of getting regular, passionate sex.

41. Slapping her buttocks without checking if she's into a little dominance play
No mater how exciting you may find the idea, don't land a heavy slap on her butt without trying a few lighter ones first and seeing how she reacts. If you do, you may get a slap in the face. Or a kick in the balls.

42. Trying to do sex by the book (or the film)
Don't copy the moves you see in porn films. They lack a certain something. Consideration for the woman, that would be.

43. Playing with her anus before she's excited enough to appreciate it
When you're masturbating her clitoris, and you have a finger inside her vagina, you may find that she responds well to a little anal play. If you have the position right, you can use your little finger to tickle gently at her anus as your forefinger plays with her G-spot. This may well add to her excitement - especially if she's on the verge of orgasm. If you try this before she's really excited and has stopped caring what's happening to her, you might just turn her off completely, so it might not be a bad idea to check it out with her in advance.

44. Deafening her by shouting in her ear when you come
An easy mistake to make, especially if you like to have sex in the man on top position lying close to your partner, and you like to let the world know when you come. Unfortunately she won't let you do it a second time, so bury your face in the pillow or something if you're prone to uncontrollable vocal ejaculations as well as physical ones.

45. Talking dirty without checking if she likes it
Generally a little consensual dirty talk between adults adds to the excitement. The first time your partner tells you to f*** her hot wet c*** you'll see what I mean. If that hasn't happened yet, and you'd like it to, encourage her to talk dirty to you when you're making love, and see what pops out of her mouth. You might be surprised. Remember legend has it that the quiet ones are often the most surprising in bed!

46. Lying on top of her without supporting your weight on your arms
Always remember: a gentleman takes his weight on his arms. Or elbows, or knees, or something.

47. Ejaculating on her without asking permission
Coming between her breasts or on her vulva or bottom can be incredibly exciting, but it's nice to ask her first. She may see it less a mark of your ejaculatory prowess or manhood than a mess to clear up.

48. Not controlling your ejaculation
Like we said before, a good lover makes the effort to make sure his partner is satisfied before he is.

49. Not spending some time with her in your arms after sex
A man who gets up after he's done the business and sets about his daily routine is probably top of most women's sexual dislikes. For her, this is a special time when a woman feels very close to her partner. She takes much longer to come down from sex than a man does, she wants to know she's loved and special, and she wants to feel adored by the man to whom she has just given her most precious asset. The very least you can do is to spend a half hour or so cuddling her while you relax after making love, even if you're not going to spend the night with her.

50. Not cleaning up after sex
And since sex inevitably involves a certain amount of fluids, keep the tissues handy for afterwards. If you feel like being chivalrous, offer her a warm towel to clean herself, especially if you aren't using condoms.


Ok, now for the 'women' list... I found this list a lot more entertaining and realistic than I did the guys... I got this off of Olawunmi's page...


50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.

1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

And that's it folks... Anyone have ANYTHING to add...? Pray do...